Wednesday, May 31, 2017

//


My brains in a fog that I can not shift, it's one that's come and gone throughout these years as a mother but has now overstayed it's welcome, at night it tells me all the things I've failed as a mother, partner, daughter and human.  

In the morning it tells me why bother exercising if you'll always stay the same.To feel better I eat chocolate because then I don't have to talk about my problem for that moment.

It's so much easier to tell everyone I'm okay when inside my brain is scream noooo I need your help, my sadness is consuming me each day a little more.
It's gotten slightly worse since my uncle's passing, 9 months of this massive internal knot that gets tighter as I hold my tears back. 
I have so much regret, so much anger with everything to do with his passing and even though I feel this way I still have to get up everyday and continue like nothing.

Being a parent right now is the hardest thing for me, so much has changed that I can't even focus on it all. 
Why do kids grow???

In July marks 10 years since being a parent and I still have no idea what I am doing.

Monday, May 29, 2017

currently.


I'm very grateful that I was able to spend Sunday at home, watching all three girls play around in the front yard and enjoying the suns warmth against my skin.
It still didn't feel like winter was coming but that changed this morning, we now have 1 child at home sick with a tummy bug and most likely the flu too as the two younger ones seemed to have over come it during the weekend thank god really.

Nothing worse than having a sick child.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

FIVE


Today you turned 5,  
you woke up early all excited about going into school so your friends could sing you happy birthday.

Thursday, March 09, 2017

Trying to keep my shit together since I thought today was friday.


I've had my first second time around kindy fails this week, well today actually apart from thinking all day today was Friday and only finding out it isn't at school pick up, we've had some heaps of wins but today we failed, I failed to realise today was Thursday and on Thursdays is library day and guess what was not taken to school today, yep you guessed it the library bag and Gabi told me about it when I was chopping up the veggies for dinner at 5pm.
She told me that she was the only child that had forgotten and this insane amount of guilt washed over me + the words #fuck.

You see I thought I had all this shit under control because its the bloody second time around, I should have it all in control or at least pretend I do!!!! yeah.
I have a note on the fridge saying whats happening at school for each day this morning I did not read it.

Having two kids in school, one in daycare + me working type control that comes with having all your shit together we don't I mean I don't, occasionally it looks like we 100%  do especially when I'm on time to drop off all the kids + get to work on time but really deep deep down its not, I forget to sign notes, information meetings, band rehearsals (because lets be honest who wants to sit inside a  hall at 745am when its cold and raining with two other kids running around.), to pack my own lunch for work ( grateful it was me not them), if I feed the dog.

Today my shit was not together hopefully tomorrow is.
Now to serve dinner, start bedtime routine and try not to pass out while singing twinkle twinkle for the 14315695 time so I can got to the gym.