Wednesday, May 31, 2017

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My brains in a fog that I can not shift, it's one that's come and gone throughout these years as a mother but has now overstayed it's welcome, at night it tells me all the things I've failed as a mother, partner, daughter and human.  

In the morning it tells me why bother exercising if you'll always stay the same.To feel better I eat chocolate because then I don't have to talk about my problem for that moment.

It's so much easier to tell everyone I'm okay when inside my brain is scream noooo I need your help, my sadness is consuming me each day a little more.
It's gotten slightly worse since my uncle's passing, 9 months of this massive internal knot that gets tighter as I hold my tears back. 
I have so much regret, so much anger with everything to do with his passing and even though I feel this way I still have to get up everyday and continue like nothing.

Being a parent right now is the hardest thing for me, so much has changed that I can't even focus on it all. 
Why do kids grow???

In July marks 10 years since being a parent and I still have no idea what I am doing.

1 comment:

  1. Ah that's so tough. The tricky thing about grief is it can't be rushed. And try not to be hard on yourself with the mothering. Motherhood is as beautiful as it is messy. And it's not for mastering. It's can't be, because we grow as we mother and our kids grow too... so this mothering caper just keeps on evolving. Just got to do our best, I think. Our kids are much more resilient than we think. I think you're doing a great job. You're two and a half years up more into the mothering job than me! xx

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